New Markings: Crack Edition
by onepiece4eva2
Summary: My lovely friend Tacosareawesome101 has given me permission to do random crack oneshots about her story New Markings. I highly recommend her story! And don't worry! I'm working on updating my other stories! Rated M just in case. Not meant to be taken seriously.


**My good friend, Tacosareawesome101, has made the 'New Marks' fanfic about HoN, and she told me it was okay to make a crack fic about it. Just because. This will have a series of crack with relation to the story, but don't take it seriously.**

 **Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!**

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 **Pre-Marked**

 **#1**

It was colder than normal, Texas weather usually took on extreme conditions when it really shouldn't. Jessica and Stephanie, Jess and Steph, walked to the library anyway. Although, they did opt to take the trolley after getting to the mall. It made things _so_ much easier. Danielle, Jess' sister, hadn't gone with them this time. She said it was way too cold. And she was right. Steph's low tolerance for the cold had her shivering and Jess just looked ridiculous. The taller girl -only by an inch or two- had on at least two layers of clothing, an over-sized jacket, a Supernatural themed scarf, and a fuzzy Russian-looking hat. Oh, and gloves. Can't forget the gloves.

"You're ridiculous." Steph shakes her head in amusement.

"No, I'm _Riddick_ -ulous." Jess informs her with a goofy smile.

"No." She denies the goofball.

The two of them had already finished off one bottle and were half-way through the second. Jess suddenly stood up, not noticing herself wobble a bit.

"I have to pee." She announced louder than necessary.

Luckily the maze next to the library was empty aside from them. Steph gave her friend a pointed look.

"Thanks for sharing."

"Sharing is caring~!"

"There's a bathroom in the library." Steph gestures to the building not to far away.

"No!" She shakes her head, pouting childishly at her. "I'm gonna use the park bathroom. . ."

"It'll be cold."

"Don't care."

The bathroom at the park had gate-like doors that did nothing to keep the air out. And the metal seats weren't much better. Jess started walking confidently, or at least she thought so, in the direction of the bathroom. Steph sighed and stashed their backpacks before following after the obliviously drunk girl. Someone needed to make sure she didn't fall in. It only took a couple of minutes to reach it.

"The seat's cold!" Steph calls out as Jess latched one of the stalls shut.

"I won't sit then!" Jess replies. "Oops. Almost forgot to take off my pants!"

"I don't have a change of clothes for you. ." Steph snorts.

"Why would you need that?" Jess sounds confused. "Never-mind, don't talk to me while I'm in here. It's weird."

"You can't tell me what to do." She leans back against the brick wall. "I'll talk if I want too."

"That's what she said." Jess laughs, almost giggling. "Before I pushed her down the stairs!"

"What?!"

"Yes."

"No."

"Yep!"

"Nope!"

"Mnneghgh!" Jess imitates Roger from American Dad.

"Mmmnnghgh!" Steph copies her.

"Done." The toilet flushes.

Jess comes out two minutes later. She walks right up to the sink and starts washing her hands. Steph frowns at her friend.

"What are you doing?" Steph asks, bewildered.

"What's it look like?" Jess rolls her eyes.

"You're still wearing your gloves."

"Huh?" Jess stares at her gloved hands, still under the water, but takes a minute to understand. "Oh." She shrugs. "Well I had them on the whole time and it's too cold to take them off."

"But now they're wet."

"And?"

And Stephanie realized that an intoxicated Jessica is impossible to reason with.

 **#2**

"You need to put pants on."

"You're mom needs to put pants on."

"I'll tell her you said that."

"No!" Jess reaches out, as if to stop her, and begins to slip off of the bed. "I made a mistake!"

She falls to the floor, still tangled in her sheets. Her hair is all over the place. Steph laughs at her best friend's misfortune. The now awake girl shoots up and quickly gets dressed while occasionally falling into the wall or swaying a bit.

"Why do I need pants?" Jess asks.

"We're going out to eat." Steph smirks at her. "You slept in late."

"Cool beans." Jess throws the blankets back onto the bed. "Where we goin'?"

"Everywhere." That's a non-answer.

"Sounds exhausting." Jess pouts at her. "That's so much effort!"

"Come on, you two take forever!" Damon, Steph's brother, just waltzes in.

"Where're we going?" Jess questions him.

"Mario's." He replies, walking back out.

"Ha!" Jess sticks her tongue out at her.

"Yeah, yeah."

They loud up into the car with the others, claiming the very back two seats.

"I don't wanna sit next to Scotty!" Abby yells from her booster seat. "He smells bad!"

"Hey!" Scott glares at her. "I don't want to sit next to a baby!"

"Scotty, just shut up!" Abby yells at him.

"That's enough!" Geoff twists around in his seat. "Abby behave."

" _But_ -!"

"No." He interrupts her. "You _do not_ yell. Sit there and keep your mouth shut. You too, Scott."

The ride there is quiet after that, aside from Abby protesting about something every few minutes. The second they pull into a spot, Steph's mom turns to glare at the youngest girl.

"You will behave when we get inside, or I'll have Daddy take you back out here and you can just wait until the rest of us are finished eating, because I am sick of your attitude." She informs Abby. "Is that clear."

"No." Abby glares right back.

" _Is that clear?_ " Shona's glare deepens into a scowl.

"No!" Abby yells.

"Then you'll just stay out her while we eat."

" _No!_ "

"Go on ahead." Geoff nods to her. "I'll take care of it."

Shona shoots the girl one last look before having the rest of the kids pile out. Damon, Scott, Jess, and Steph are seated at a larger table with Shona.

"Okay, what should I get. . ." Shona flips through the menu.

Jess shows Steph her choice on the menu. Shrimp Cocktail. Steph points of the Enchiladas.

"You should get Chimmichangas!" A cheery voice announces.

Deadpool is standing there wearing a waiter's outfit over his red and black suit. Damon's jaw drops.

"Howdy!" He waves a hand cheerfully. "Just your friendly neighborhood Deadpool!"

Shona eyes him with clear disapproval. Scott and Damon are just too shocked to speak.

"You're my second favorite superhero!" Jess beams at him.

"First favorite." Steph says, but Jess waves a hand at her to shush.

"Second favorite?" He clutches at his chest as if wounded.

"Iron Man is the coolest." She nods. "Aside from Batman and Harley Quinn, but their DC and Marvel is way better."

"Well I think you're the coolest." Steph tells him.

"Aww. . .I'll kill you last."

 **#3**

"I should've brought a jacket." Steph complains, feeling cold in her outfit.

"You want me to keep you warm?" Jess opens her arms, offering a hug.

"No."

They were dressed up at Ren Fest and Step's black corset might've helped her back, but it didn't keep her shoulders or arms warm. Jess had on a brown corset of her own, but she also wore a cape-like jacket with it. Their hair was braided up into intricate designs and both had decided to go with practical boots. As they were about to grab a bite to eat, they were interrupted.

"Excuse me, my lady." It was a Japanese man with raven hair pulled into a small tail, wearing a monk's robe. He had staff and looked a bit like an anime character they couldn't quite place. He pulls one of Jess' hands into both of his. "I know we've only met, but . . Will you bear my children?"

"What?!" Jess squeaks, her face turning a brilliant shade of red.

"You have a beautiful figure, just the right amount of curves perfect for bearing children." He has _definitely_ violated her personal space now. "Our children would be gorgeous. Oh, where are my manners? My name is Miroku. And what is your name, My Lady?"

"J-Jessica." Her face has become even more red now.

Steph isn't helping at all, just laughing at her friend's problem. By now, Miroku had pulled Jess close to his chest. One hand cups her face so she has to look him in the eye. The other has snaked around to. . . Squeeze her butt.

"Ack!" A strangled sound come from Jess.

"Miroku!" A Japanese woman wearing a school girl outfit appears. "What did I tell you about doing that?!"

"Kagome. . ." He pouts at her, but doesn't release Jess. "It's fine. See? She didn't slap me!"

"That's because she's in shock!" Kagome glares at him, gesturing to Jess. "This is the _last time_ I bring you to the modern world!"

"Ah, Kagome." He gives her a pleading look before meeting Jess' eyes again. "My apologies miss."

His hand is _still_ groping her. She gains just enough wit to say. . .

"Buy a girl dinner first." Sometimes being a smart ass isn't helpful.

"Okay." His face brightens. "Did you hear that Kagome?"

". . .As long as _she_ is." The expression on her face says that she's clearly traumatized.

"Oh my god!" Steph nearly falls over herself laughing.

Miroku disappears into the crowd, dragging Jess with him. Steph stops laughing.

"Shit!" She searches the sea of people. "Where'd they go?!"

~ Later ~

Ren Fest was starting to shut down and Steph had spent nearly the whole day looking for her lost friend. Having given up looking around, she had decided to wait by the car. The one _Jess_ had the keys for. Damn it.

"Hey. . ."Jess' face has a light dusting of pink.

Her hair was in waves down her back and had a goofy grin on her face.

"Did you get laid?" Steph eyes her disheveled appearance.

"Maybe. . ." Her cheeks flamed.

"Oh my god!" Steph laughs even harder than before. "Are you gonna 'Bear his children' too?"

"No!" She says a little too quickly.

 **#4**

"Stephanie Grene?" A voice announces over the intercom. "Please report to the Principal's office."

Steph stands up and leaves the classroom without looking back. Ha! She got to get out of class! But why would she be called the the office? The teen didn't remember leaving behind any- doing anything to land her in hot water. The moment she enters the room a small figure latches itself onto her. A girl no older than three or four that looked like a mini-me version of Jess. The principal is less than amused.

"She claims to be your daughter."

"What?" Steph stares at the kid.

"I found this water bottle in my locker and it had 'Drink Me' written on it." The little girl seems incredibly proud of herself.

"So. . You drank it?" She gives the girl an expression of disbelief.

"I'm not a part of your system!" The girl sticks out her tongue.

"Not a part of my reproductive system, that's for sure." Steph rolls her eyes.

"Gasp!" The kid stumbles back in an exaggerated fashion, clutching her chest. "You are too my mom! I am your sweet loins' fruit!"

"Did you just make a Paranatural reference?" The girl beams at her. "Yep. You are definitely my kid."

"Let's prank Remington!" She bounces up and down. "Oohh! We can get ice cream and-"

"We'll put her with the other children until your classes are done." The principal interrupts her. "Name?"

"Sherlock Holmes." The girl says with a straight face. "But you can call me the Doctor."

"If you leave now, I'll excuse you from your classes." The principal looks fed up.

"Done." Steph scoops up the girl. "Let's go, Watson."

"No, _you're_ Watson." Mini-Jess argues as they leave. "I'm Sherlock! Fear my Jedi ways!"

"You can't be Sherlock, The Doctor, _and_ a Jedi." Steph has the kid tossed over her shoulder. "There can be only one."

"Watch me!" She fidgets. "I do what I want cuz a pirate is free~! I am a Pirate!"

"No." Steph swats her. "Hush you."

"Wanna guess how many references I can make?" Mini-Jess shouts enthusiastically as they go down the hall. "All of them!"

"No-"

"Who's not in the Avengers? Sasuke, cuz he killed the wrong guy! Do you think what's his name from Infernal Devices would be afraid of Sasuke since his hair is like a duck's butt?" Damn, this girl is on a rant! "How do you make a little boy become emo? Have his brother kill his entire family! What's the difference between Batman and Sasuke? Batman actually got off his ass and did something about it! Hey, Mom, how many-"

"Stop!" Steph finally yells. "What is with you and your obsession with Sasuke Uchiha?!"

"He could've been Batman. . ." Mini-Jess pouts.

"Get over it." The now older girl shakes her head. "Can't believe I have to be the responsible one. How are we gonna turn you back?"

"I don't wanna go back." Mini-Jess whines. "I like being little! Now I can do all kinds of stuff! _I_ can be Batman!"

"No."

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 **Well, hope you had a good laugh! See you next time! If you want to put suggestions feel free.**


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